As the light of the sun drips below the surface and the splashes of color turn to night I am still here faced with what 2019 brings ahead. But the night is my favorite time of day. I am at my sharpest and most alive. Stars and the moon shine upon us all how can we complain about that?
You may recall I titled 2018 “On the Horizon”. You may not recall that I changed that to “At Sunset”. The name itself doesn’t hold more significance, but the promise of a resolution broken by someone I opened up to and cared for was more than enough for me to change my course. Aside from the actual life tragedies I’ve had to go through over the year, the emotional pain was a blow to my well-being. I’m a man of second chances, so I kept an open door. 2019 will not be so accommodating.
One thing has been made very clear to me in the last couple years. No matter how prepared I am for anything in the world, I will always be surprised by what the world comes up with. Despite the drama and hardships that 2017 set in motion during The Epilogue, I’ve continued to find the happy moments and the people that make them possible. I’ve found a group of theatre makers worth making art with. I once told a friend that I really valued having strong chemistry on and off stage and that made up a lot of what I enjoyed about acting. I was asked what I would do if stuck in a situation where that was nonexistent. I told him I wasn’t worried about that because I’d make sure to find the good people and I’d know those are the people I need to be doing theatre with. I found the good people. Speaking of good people, I’ve been so fortunate to remain close with a few friends who make life so much more enjoyable.
While on the topic, it’s time I mention that I have a 7 year actor’s plan. You know how people ask where you see yourself in 5 years? I can’t answer that question but I can tell you where I’ll be in terms of following my dream. I’ve succeeded in my goal for 24 and I’m very much on the right path for reaching my goal for 25. Now that I’ve started working as an extra in the city, I’m that much closer to where I plan to be. In 2018 I still felt lost. I was hopeful I’d come closer to finding my way. I think I still am. But I also found myself, extremely flawed and back in a high school mindset. Living back in my 3rd incarnation, jealous and angsty and afraid of what people thought of me. I know you won’t understand this as even I can’t quite explain how it works but I let that version of myself die on New Year’s Eve. I regenerated back to who I was in 2016. Make as much sense of that as you can.
I’m now the person I’ve come to love and admire once more. I’m still getting better and bettering myself but I’m far off from who I was and how I was feeling back in March of 2018. It’s funny what a little time and distance can do.
Time plays an important role in what’s to come. At sunset is a magical time. Whether it’s the beauty of the skies, the reflections on the water, or the idea of something moving on or coming to an end, there’s magic there. But it’s a set time. We always know it’s coming and we know when it’s coming. But like I said, the world is full of surprises and they can never be expected. There’s a title I’ve wanted to use over the years. I even planned on giving the title to 2016, but a dream a week before the new year suggested I name it something different. Ever since, I’ve decided it was a cursed theme and should never be used because of the implications it brings. But after the misery that 2017 and 2018 brought I’ve realized that I can’t be safe and hide behind my titles and yes, once more, I can’t truly predict anything. So why not? Let’s take a chance. The sun has set and I can look at life in a new light. Maybe just maybe.
2019: A New York Minute
